Real Men Love Strong Women

I’ve heard it too many times: “A man likes a quiet woman.” “Guys don’t respond well to smart girls.” “Educated women are too intimidating to attract good men.”

I understand why we believe these things. It’s a nice story. It makes sense of the success of some women to find husbands, and the failure of others. As Christians (and as humans), we feel very clever when we get to diagnose the cause and cure of singleness. “You’re too opinionated.” “You’re too boisterous.” “A woman should be small, quiet, and delicate.”

Yet, it’s easy to forget in the midst of all our diagnosing: whether a woman is “intimidating” is a factor of male perception, not female personality. Do we want women to be less intimidating? That’s a question to be put to men who experience them as such, and we can only wait for such men to grow. The real question we need to ask is: Do we want women to be weak? And the answer must forever be, on the basis of Scripture, “May it never be.”

Strong women are as vital as strong men to God’s purpose in the church. Why?

1. Strong women expose evil men.

I can’t speak for Christian men everywhere, but I can speak for myself, and for many of the men in the Bible: Godliness is attractive to both men and women (Proverbs 31:30). And often, godly femininity requires being strong, even intimidating. Consider Jael in Judges 4. Jael’s husband Heber “had separated from the Kenites,” and “had pitched his tent as far away as the oak in Zaanannim, which is near Kedesh” (Judges 4:11).

“Strong women are as vital as strong men to God’s purpose in the church.”

So, when Sisera, a Canaanite military general under Jabin the King of Hazor — the enemy of the people of God — tried to seek refuge, he went to Heber’s tent, “for there was peace between Jabin the King of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite” (Judges 4:17). But Sisera found Jael at the tent and started barking orders at her: “Give me a little water.” “Stand at the opening of the tent.” In response, “she went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple until it went down into the ground” (Judges 4:21). Deborah later sang of Jael, “Most blessed of women be Jael . . . She sent her hand to the tent peg and her right hand to the workmen’s mallet” (Judges 5:24, 26).

Thank God Jael wasn’t meek and submissive and respectful toward this friend of her wayward husband. She wasn’t one to be trampled on. Strong women reject the requests of evil men.

2. Strong women rebuke good men.

When David set out to kill Nabal — the brash and brute man who embodied pure masculine folly — Nabal’s wife Abigail offered hundreds of fig cakes and loaves of bread and wine skins to David. Yet, she used the opportunity to warn David that he should “have no cause of grief or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause or for my lord working salvation for himself” (1 Samuel 25:31). In other words, Abigail warned: “Be careful. Don’t use your power in a way that will make you guilty.”

David responded, “Blessed be your discretion, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodguilt and from working salvation with my own hand!” (1 Samuel 25:33). Nabal soon after died of a heart attack. “Then David sent and spoke to Abigail, to take her as his wife” (1 Samuel 25:39).

David was attracted to this strong woman for her strength, for her rebuke, and for her character. Abigail made life harder for David. And David, in a moment of grace, was able to see that Abigail’s standing in David’s way was a gift of purity to him. That day, David was seeking salvation for himself, but it was gifted to him by God in Abigail, who, even while she was at his mercy as his subject, told him what he needed to hear.

Strong women rebuke good men, who need help in their weaknesses, who need someone to help them see how to be strong.

3. Strong women raise believing men.

There is no stronger, more consistent reminder of the gospel in my life than my mom. Paul says something very similar of Timothy: “I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well” (2 Timothy 1:5).

“Men have two choices: find female strength captivatingly attractive, or be insecure and intimidated.”

In an ideal world, men and women would partner together in their strength. But we live in a world where we need strong women to make men strong, because sometimes there simply are no men there to do it. My mom’s dad died when she was nine, and my own dad wasn’t present in my life enough to be a father. So she did the work of two parents — the work of two disciplers — for both my sister and me. With Timothy and Paul, I’m so glad that God gave us these gifts of strong women to survive the inconsistent presence and consequences of “strong” men.

Of course, some of the godliest mothers have had some of the ungodliest children, and vice versa. But in an age when fathers often fail to bestow the gift of faith to their children, the future often hangs on the strength of women to do that gospel work.

Whether as children or their disciples, strong women raise believing men.

The Beauty and Strength of Faith

We live in a time when women are outperforming men in many areas of professional and personal competency. And men have two choices: to find female strength captivatingly attractive, or to be insecure and intimidated. Real men love strong women, because God’s glory is beautiful, and “woman is the glory of man” (1 Corinthians 11:7).

Jesus, give men the grace to see the beauty of glorious female strength. Give women the resilience to remain strong long enough for the right men to find them beautiful for the right reasons. And help men and women to fall in love with proven, genuine faith, which is “more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire” (1 Peter 1:7).

is a Ph.D. student at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, and philosophy professor at Moody Bible Institute.