A Marriage Made in Hell
How Satan Counsels Christian Couples
My Dear Globdrop,
I am terribly troubled to have received your last letter. Of course you should begin twisting his thoughts concerning marriage — how have you not already? Do you not realize that even one human living according to the Enemy’s design can cost us souls? Your negligence on this matter is criminal.
Ever since the first wedding in the garden, we suspected that the Enemy was preparing something revolting — but who could have imagined? Even Our Father Below couldn’t guess the true horror of it all. Marriage, we found out only too late, does not ultimately concern the humans’ love for each other. His plan, from the very beginning, was to actually marry the wretched creatures himself — disgraceful!
Throughout time, he has brought two vermin together to display his unnatural love and disturbing sacrifice for his bride. He created husbands to announce — to all who would listen — that he would soon become one. How we once praised him, I still can’t imagine.
Marriage, Globdrop, reflects everything we detest. The male dresses up as the Enemy, while the wife stands in for his beloved. As he made man in his own image, he made marriage to reflect his terrible story. But while the Enemy means for it to narrate one tale, we can make it tell another. Through it, we can preach one of our gospels. Perhaps the most effective way to do so these days is to instruct him in what I like to call homofunctional marriage.
Although unsuccessful for thousands of years, your great uncle Slubstone’s persistence has paid off remarkably. He actually convinced them that one man can marry another man! But your man, as you report, stands unconvinced. Yet, while he may never audition for homosexual marriage, he may readily participate in our homofunctional rendition. Let me explain.
It is quite simple really: whereas homosexual “marriage” puts two of the same sex together, “homofunctional marriage” consists of two different sexes that function identically. The same still marries the same: they both lead and follow. They both must shoulder the same amount of burden, both must offer the same amount of sacrifice, and both be equally responsible for the other before God.
When we convince the actors to learn each other’s lines and swap each other’s pants, they’re not left a different version, but a different drama. Romeo and Juliet becomes Juliet and Juliet. Interchangeable, dear nephew, interchangeable. Call it teammates, best friends, enlightened, liberated, progressive, egalitarian — whatever does the job.
Now, as you can guess, 50/50 cannot last long. Someone must eventually break the tie. And Adam, as we keep reminding them, has had his turn. Monique and Alex are excellent examples from your man’s small group.
Monique is the modern strong wife. She lives in corporate America, shoulders the responsibility for the family, and is proud not to be living in the “comfortable concentration camp” of stay-at-home motherhood. As a point of principle, she is reluctant to do anything she considers domestic, and quick to share her opinion for hours on end, while her husband sits expressionless beside her. She balks at the thought of being a helpmate, chafes at the idea of submission. Her favorite Bible verse — to undo the ones she despises — is Galatians 3:28. With six words (“there is no male and female”) we have made her an apologist. Pleasantly, she hates the Enemy’s script nearly as much as we do. She has washed her face indeed.
Meanwhile, Alex has few complaints these days. He no longer expects to have much say in family decisions — and according to him, he is better off for it. He has finally realized (as many of our patients eventually do) that when he lets his wife steer, he never gets blamed for ending up in a ditch.
He finds the passenger seat most comfortable. More reclining. Less sacrifice and accountability. More opportunity for naps. He even hears the occasional commendation from others in the group for “laying down his life.” Having passed on our offer of masculinity that domineers, belittles, and abuses, he has taken nicely to that emasculinity which occasions less blood and more praise. He lives to defer. It takes less energy.
And what does everyone watching the two-person play see? Little different from those who have better things to do than attend Bible studies on Wednesday evenings. No one sees a man who loves his wife, initiates towards her constantly, and gives his life sacrificing his own comforts and strength for her eternal good. No one sees a bride who adorns her husband, respects and gladly follows him, all the while blossoming under his love and leadership. They see nothing of the Enemy’s drama.
Delightfully, they see a manly woman standing upon a doormat. Although a number of toxic texts were read at their wedding, they left them all behind when she drove him home from the ceremony.
What They Must Never See
Globdrop, begin instruction with your man immediately.
Tell him, if there is blood to be shed, it should be spilled evenly. Let marriage serve what they call “equality” — for no marriage can have two masters. Unmake him. Dignify (or at least excuse) that passivity which opens the back door to those sins that daily slaughter aimless men. Make him passionate about sports, not souls. If a man, then a mannequin.
Let marriage tell any story but the Enemy’s. Earthly marriage must never tell of the dreadful one to come. Muffle the obscenity. Invite him to take part in one of our homofunctional marriages instead. But while you work on him, never let it slip that, although the Enemy will hold him solemnly accountable for how he discharges his duty, he also extends endless help and offers boundless grace whenever he falls short.
Your perplexed yet expectant uncle,