Audio Transcript

Hard marriages, divorce, and domestic abuse — a trio of very tough topics that come up on the podcast from time to time, as you can see in the APJ book. And we have a new entry here when it comes to hard marriages, in this email from an anonymous wife.

“Hi, Pastor John. My husband and I are currently separated, and my heart feels utterly broken. We’ve been married for almost ten years, but our relationship has been difficult, marked by his alcoholism, which he is now sober from, and my long battle with chronic illness, which I’ve now been healed from. When we first got married, we were not living according to God’s will; we lived like the world, and our church didn’t teach on sin or repentance. Thankfully, things have changed for us spiritually, but we’ve never learned how to resolve conflict or heal from the pain and hurt we’ve caused each other over the years. We fight consistently, in unhealthy ways, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve had a victim mentality and have contributed to the cycle of hurt. I’ve failed to respect my husband and have used my words to tear him down in defense of my own pain. I am deeply ashamed of this and grieve over it.

“We both acknowledge our past mistakes, but now my husband believes that maybe we ‘sinned our way into this marriage’ and that it may not have been God’s will for us to be together. I, however, believe that marriage is for life, and I trust that God can restore and redeem what’s been broken. I don’t view our marriage as a mistake anymore, even though I once did. I don’t want to lose my husband. Is there any truth to what he’s saying, or does God’s union of husband and wife hold, particularly for Christians, despite our struggles? I don’t believe we can sin our way out of a marriage. We love each other deeply, but the pain has been so great that my husband now wants to leave. Please help.”

The Right Covenant

First, let me say something about the husband’s idea that it may not have been God’s will for them to marry. That’s the wrong question to ask. The question is, “Is this marriage, with this woman and this man, God’s will for you now?” That’s the question. And the answer to that question, biblically, is yes — absolutely yes. This marriage is God’s will for you. There is no other right woman for this man to be with, and there is no other right man for this woman to be with, because the rightness of being with a woman or a man in marriage is established not by the quality of the person but by the nature of the covenant.

“Lifelong marriage has never been easy. It’s just going to be glorious, as God gives grace.”

When a man and a woman leave mother and father and express by covenantal vows that they will be husband and wife to each other, in that act, God creates a marriage in which those two people are the right people to be married — even if they should not have gotten married. That’s the meaning of the covenant. It doesn’t depend on the quality of the person in the covenant. That’s why vows include words like “for better or for worse.” That’s the first thing to settle, especially for this husband: God created the marriage covenant, and the covenant defines the rightful husband and wife.

This is emphasized by Jesus with the strongest words of lifelong permanence of the covenant. For example, Luke 16:18: “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.” Strong words. Or Mark 10:7–9: “‘A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together” — what God has joined together, not just humans — “let not man separate. . . . Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:7–9, 11–12).

In other words, in every marriage, this woman, this man, in this marriage, is the rightful covenant partner. This man in this marriage, not just the woman, not just the man, is the rightful covenant partner.

Separation and Reconciliation

Separations happen, but the question then in a separation like theirs is this: What should you do? And Paul addresses that question very directly in 1 Corinthians 7:10–11: “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”

In other words, the biblical answer to separation is reconciliation. It won’t be easy. Lifelong marriage has never been easy — good grief! What lies in front of you, in tackling this reconciliation and another thirty or forty years together, isn’t going to be easy. It’s just going to be glorious, as God gives grace.

And I hope you get all the way to the end. I hope you get all the help that you need from good Christian friends in a healthy church and perhaps a good biblical counselor along the way.

Burden of Headship

But let me say just a couple of things to this husband. (And I hope this wife will share it with him and he’ll be willing to listen and just hear me, as I’m on your side. I want this thing to work for your good and God’s glory.)

“Your first task as a Christian head of your home is to trust in the sovereign, miracle-working power of God.”

You do carry the greater burden, because that’s what headship means. God holds you, and me, uniquely accountable — not for your wife’s sins, but for steps toward healing and forgiveness and reconciliation. This is what makes headship so difficult. Men bear the unique and heavy responsibility for going ahead. That’s what headship means. You go ahead and take initiative to fix what’s broken. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is; it’s your headship that is being called upon now in its glorious calling.

You may not succeed, but you will die trying, right? You will die trying to do the right thing for your wife and yourself and your God. And a man’s courage and perseverance and wisdom is going to be shown in the ruggedness with which he refuses to give up. Come on — you’re going to refuse to give up! You’re a man. You’re the head. You take responsibility and you do everything in your power until you’re dead to make this work. That’s what it means to be a man and a husband.

Christ’s Mystery and Miracle

The model for your headship in marriage is Jesus and his relationship to the church. And oh, what a mess his bride is — we are.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church [that blows you away] and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

They love their wives like their own bodies — if they’re like Christ!

He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become [miracle of miracles] one flesh.”

That still exists, brother. “This mystery is profound,” Paul says, “and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:25–32).

This is the great and high calling of being a husband in marriage. You are called to love and sacrifice and serve and save and sanctify. Not because you are Christ (you’re not) but because you represent Christ in this drama and because you are empowered by Christ. It is a glorious, if painful, calling.

And I would simply encourage you: Be the one who takes the initiative to call attention to the miracle-working power of God for you and your wife. Be the one who sees the miracle. “What is impossible with man is possible with God,” Jesus said (Luke 18:27). He causes a virgin to give birth. He causes the post-menopausal woman to conceive. He causes the lame to walk, and the blind to see, and the deaf to hear, and the lepers to be cleansed, and water to turn into wine, and wind and waves to stop and cease at his command. He raises people from the dead, and he reigns alive in heaven as our sovereign today, over your marriage. So, obedient Christian husbands do not walk away from their marriages, especially when a wife is deeply repentant and eager to do the necessary work, imperfect as she is.

So, in summary, to both of you: Your marriage is God’s will for you. This woman is God’s wife for you. This man is God’s husband for you. Your marriage is for a lifetime. Your calling as a husband is to love her like Christ loves the church, and she’s to respect and honor that leadership. Your first task as a Christian head of your home is to trust in the sovereign, miracle-working power of God.