Audio Transcript

So much of what the world says about sexuality is distorted into lies — lies that destroy. And so it falls to Christians to open the Bible and to speak and show the truth: that sex is good; sex is a gift — a gift for Christians and for marriage between one man and one woman. We’ve looked at these topics in the past, looking at questions like these: How is sex made holy? How does it glorify God? Does marriage cure lust? Things like that. A lot of ground already covered, as you can see in the APJ book, starting on page 167. We address so many questions like these, and we want those answers to be as accessible to you as possible — not because we’re eager to talk about them or because it’s ever easy to do so, but because inevitably we will be called on to speak to and answer these questions with friends and loved ones, and we must be prepared for that moment.

And that brings us to today’s question from an anonymous woman who has her moment. “Dear Pastor John, I’m from Canada and want to thank you for your impactful ministry through this podcast. I’ve been listening for over six months and have gained much wisdom from your teachings. I’m struggling with a difficult situation and would appreciate your advice. My adult daughter is a professing Christian who, after facing disappointment in finding a Christian boyfriend, began dating a non-Christian young man about a year ago. Despite my concerns, I supported her, hoping she could evangelize him.

“However, about four months ago, she moved in with him, which devastated me. We had a heart-to-heart where I explained the sinfulness of her decision, but she remained unrepentant, even questioning God’s love and his plan for her happiness. Recently, she moved to another city for graduate studies, and her boyfriend moved with her. I chose not to assist her with the move, as I couldn’t condone their decision. This caused a new strain on our relationship. Communication has since become limited and distant. My question is: How can I maintain a meaningful relationship with my daughter in this situation? And how should I approach her boyfriend? Should I invite him to family Christmas dinner, despite not accepting him as part of our family? Thank you for your wisdom. Sincerely, A Heartbroken Mom.”

I’m so sorry that you are having to walk through this painful relational breakdown, and I want you to feel that you are so, so not alone. At my own church, in my circle of friends, among the folks who write us here at Ask Pastor John, this situation is tragically familiar. Most of us feel that we don’t have specific answers. (The word specific is key.) We don’t have specific answers for why one child seems so spiritually vital and engaged and happy in one season of life and can seem to lose it all — all that was once apparently beautiful and seemed like divine grace. We can make general statements from the Bible, from God’s word, about why these things happen, but it’s the specifics that baffle us.

When we first walk into these sorrows — say, the first phone call or the first note that we get — we feel something like a gut punch to our solar plexus. All the other pleasures of our lives seem to dim. At the beginning, it is just so disorienting and depressing. We go in and out of phases of self-doubt about what we did as parents and didn’t do, and we go in and out of assurance about what we should do now. So, if it’s any slight comfort, just know there are thousands of us who feel with you, which I suppose leads to my first thought about how to move forward.

Pray and Speak Truth

Gather around you a few spiritual friends and ask them to pray earnestly with you. I’m sure you’ve done that, but do it for the daughter’s awakening. As mysterious as prayer is, what is clear is that the apostle Paul asked other Christians to pray for him. I call it mysterious because one might say to Paul, “Well, Paul, you’re a mature, obedient Christian; why do you need to ask anybody else to pray? Aren’t your prayers sufficient? Won’t God hear you and answer you?” Well, they might be. He might answer. But what we see in the Bible is that Paul asks Christians to join him in prayer, so that when the answer comes, there will be more praises (2 Corinthians 1:11). That’s one reason, at least. He teaches us we should pray for each other, and so does James (in James 5:16).

I can’t know your heart from a distance, but what I see in your question I approve of. It is contrary to the will of God that a believer be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. It is contrary to the will of God that they have sexual relations outside marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1–2). It is contrary to the will of God that your daughter be so defiant to your counsel (Ephesians 6:2). So, it seems to me you have been faithful in “speaking the truth in love,” as Paul says in Ephesians 4:15.

“There’s no other way for your daughter to be delivered from Satan and sin than by the truth.”

So many parents think that if the truth is likely to be rejected, we should not speak it. I think, in general, that’s a mistake. “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). There’s no other way for your daughter to be delivered from Satan and sin than by the truth. And that’s true even though the deeper problem may not be ignorance of the truth but bondage to Satan. I think Satan is very active in deceiving young people about the truth of their upbringing.

Power of Truth in Love

And the reason I say speaking the truth in love is relevant — not only for helping them know what they ought to know but also for setting them free from the bondage of the evil one — is that there’s this amazing text in 2 Timothy 2:24–26, and I would encourage you to meditate on every piece of it. Let me read it, and you’ll see the immediate relevance of it for your situation and I think so many situations.

Here’s what he says: “The Lord’s servant” — that would be you — “must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” — but still teaching and correcting them. So, that’s your part: kindness and solid truth-laden teaching. And then he says, when you do that, “God may perhaps grant them repentance.” This is a divine, sovereign work of God, but he uses you. “God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will” (2 Timothy 2:24–26). What an amazing diagnosis and deliverance.

I think there are millions of young people precisely in that condition. They need, number one, deeper knowledge — not just head knowledge — of the truth. Number two, they need to come to their senses. This word is literally, “Come out of a drunken stupor,” where you can’t see reality for what it is. Number three, they need to be liberated from the snare of the devil.

Isn’t it remarkable that Paul considers truth spoken with clarity and love as the means by which a person might wake up from a spiritually drunken stupor and might walk free out of the clutches of the devil? What a powerful statement about truth and love together, as we see in verse 24.

Reaching Out

You will need wisdom — we will all need wisdom — from the Lord to know how frequently to communicate with your daughter and her boyfriend. You don’t want to pester them, but you also don’t want to go silent just because they may take offense. Over and over, the Bible says that God reached out to his rebellious people. For example, in Jeremiah 35:15: “I have sent to you all my servants the prophets, sending them persistently, saying, ‘Turn now every one of you from his evil way.’” God didn’t go silent. He sent words — like, he sent texts and emails; they’re the prophets — over and over again.

I think there are ways to stay in regular contact with your daughter that are more varied than simply repeating to her her sin. For example, you might simply send her, now and then, something that was meaningful to you from your morning devotions or something that you’ve been reading, and say to her, “I was thinking of you this morning. This brought you to my mind.” And tell her something that was sweet to your own soul, some promise or something about Christ, without applying it to her at all. This is not about preaching to her; this is about overflowing from a mother’s heart about what she cherishes.

This relational breakdown is not all on you. Remember, Paul said in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” “If possible.” We can’t make peace happen by ourselves. It takes both sides. Don’t bear a greater weight than you are called upon to bear.

Two Different Scenarios

If they are claiming to be obedient Christians, your daughter and her boyfriend — attending church, giving the impression to the world that the way they are living is the way of Christ — I think the Bible says that you should not have fellowship with them, which I think would include holiday meals. And I say that because of Paul in 1 Corinthians 5:9, where he says,

I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people — not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, . . . since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother [that is, Christian] if he is guilty of sexual immorality . . . not even to eat with such a one. (1 Corinthians 5:9–11)

But if your daughter and her boyfriend have ceased to call themselves Christians, are not communicating to anybody that this is the way of Christ — this is just what you do when you’re not a Christian — then I think you are free to invite them and to seek to win them as you would any other unbeliever.

Sometimes those lines between believer and unbeliever are not nearly as neat and easy to draw as one might think. And in that case, you seek the Lord’s wisdom, and you do what seems most biblical and wise and loving, and you give thanks for the blood of Christ that covers all of our sins — your sins, my sins — which, in the end, is what we have to offer them in any case.