How can I heal my marriage after committing adultery?
Clearly, this kind of issue is so deep—the wounds are so deep and the need for counsel is so strong—that you need somebody besides me to help you. You need somebody to be right there with you.
Praise God that he has worked repentance in your life, and praise God for a patient wife. It's a beautiful thing that she is trying to stay with you.
I would say that, alongside your immersion in the word and your prayer for God's help, you should seek husbands who are loving their wives better than you are and ask them to give you counsel.
Day by day, let them be your coaches. You can't do this on your own. I'm guessing that you probably are coming out of a situation where the models you had weren't ideal. You've already messed it up big time. She is hurting like crazy, and you feel clueless. This is not something that you're going to work out on your own. I believe that God has ordained the church to surround couples like this and help them.
So, brother, don't do this on your own. If you're not in a good church already, then get in a good church. And if you are in one, find one or two trusted brothers who you can just pour your heart out to. Confess that you want to learn to love your wife and that you need to love her well. Ask for them to coach you and help you.
And if she knew that you were seeking help like that then I think she would take heart and give more credit to what you do. If she doesn't want you to open the issue up to others, then don't do it yet. But talk it over with her and admit that you don't know how to love her the way you ought and that you need help.
Ask her, "Can I trust Bob with this? Or can I trust Melvin with this? Can I find one or two guys to share our lives with and have them promise me not to tell anybody else?" And tell her, "You can do the same! You need somebody to talk to. I am willing to take the risk that, when you share this with someone, that she won't tell everybody that I'm a rotten husband."
I really do believe that couples at this level of pain and dysfunction and cluelessness cannot go forward all by themselves. God has ordained that we confess our sins to one another, find forgiveness, and be encouraged, helped, taught, exhorted, admonished and corrected by other people.