Audio Transcript

Interesting question here from an anonymous young woman. We’ll get right to it. “Pastor John, hello to you,” our friend writes. “I know the Bible is inspired by the Holy Spirit, but I struggle to accept some things Paul wrote, particularly Ephesians 5:29, that ‘no one ever hated his own body.’ I have hated my body for most of my life. I was bullied for my looks and weight as a child, felt neglected by my parents because of it, and developed such intense self-loathing that I hurt myself, abused my body, and even starved myself. I know I’m not alone — many people hate their own bodies and harm themselves in various ways. This makes it hard to believe Paul is speaking literally when he says, ‘No one ever hated their own body.’ If Paul were alive today, wouldn’t he see how widespread this problem is? Was he speaking figuratively, or was this statement more reflective of his time, when body-hatred might not have been as common? What do you think Paul meant in this passage?”

That is an important question. It’s right at the heart of Christian Hedonism; it’s right at the heart of understanding marriage. One of the reasons I feel its weight is because it’s just so easy for us Bible lovers (like me, I love the Bible) to repeat what the Bible says as though it presented no problems whatsoever — when for the ordinary reader, who didn’t grow up on the Bible, reading it maybe for the first time, the Bible has sentences in it that really sound out of sync with real human experience, like this one.

How We Treat Our Flesh

Let me read the context so we get it in front of us, and then try to understand how Paul might answer this question, because I think there’s an answer at several levels. In the context, he’s comparing Christ’s love for the church, his bride, to a husband’s love for his wife. That’s the comparison. He says Christ is sanctifying the church

so that he might present the church to himself in splendor. . . . In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Then he quotes Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” — that is, the same body. “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:27–32).

So, the argument is that a husband and wife, as God has designed it, are one flesh, so that when a husband loves his wife, he’s loving himself. And then Paul introduces the premise that “no one ever hated his own flesh” (Ephesians 5:29), and he draws out the conclusion: Therefore, no Christian should hate his wife but instead nourish and comfort and cherish her.

But our friend, who doesn’t give us her name (I understand that), sent this question. She said, “I developed such intense loathing that I hurt myself, abused my body, even starved myself.” And she asks, “If Paul were alive today, wouldn’t he see how widespread this problem is?” So, Paul says, “No one ever hated his own flesh,” and she says, “I do.”

Self-Harm and Body Image for Paul

So first, let’s remind ourselves what Paul knew about self-harm. We’re so often prone to think that our ages are unique, our time is unique, and we have different or better knowledge. He knew, first, that Judas killed himself, and you would think that if there were an extreme expression of self-hate, it would be self-murder.

Second, Paul knew about religions that practice self-mutilation, like the Baal worshipers in 1 Kings 18:28: “They cried aloud and cut themselves after their custom with swords and lances, until the blood gushed out upon them.” That’s the way they tried to get attention from their God.

Third, Paul was aware in his own day, and he explicitly opposed it in Colossians 2:21–23, that some religious practices were intended to harm the body. He said, “These [practices] have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh” (Colossians 2:23). So, Paul doesn’t need to learn from the twenty-first century about self-harm. He was aware of self-mutilation and suicide.

“You can stand in front of the mirror and find your body disgusting and still not hate your own body.”

He was even aware that his own body was considered contemptible by his opponents (2 Corinthians 10:10). After all that Paul had been through — just think of it, so many imprisonments, so many whippings and scourgings and beatings and late nights and fastings and shipwrecks and dangers and stoning — I do not doubt that when he looked in the mirror, he did not like what he saw. In fact, most people don’t like what they see, right? I mean, face it: Most people do not like what they see in the mirror. That’s why they work so hard to change it.

So, what did Paul mean when he said, “He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28–29)? Let me give you two levels of answers.

General, Not Universal

The simplest answer would be to infer that Paul was speaking the way the Proverbs do regularly — namely, giving a common-sense generalization about life. The Proverbs do this over and over. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” — generally speaking (Proverbs 22:6). Or, “Honor the Lord with your wealth . . . then your barns will be filled with plenty” — generally speaking (Proverbs 3:9–10).

We know these are generalizations and not universal truths without any exceptions because the Bible itself makes plain that God often acts in other ways. In fact, if you think about it, Job’s three friends’ basic error was that they didn’t see these as generalizations but as absolutes. And so, they clobbered Job and said, “You have to be a sinner because it’s going bad for you.” So, we could say rightly, I think, that when Paul said, “No one ever hated his own flesh,” he means, generally speaking, that’s the way people are and that’s the way it should be in marriage.

So, that might be enough, but I’m not satisfied with that. I want to press in a little more deeply because I think Paul would probably defend his statement a little differently than that. I think Paul would clarify that, when he says no one hates his own flesh, he does not mean no one dislikes his own flesh. Paul would say you can stand in front of the mirror and find your body disgusting and still not hate your own body — not in the way Paul means it.

The comparison, remember, is with Jesus and the church. When Jesus looks at the church, the body, he does not find her attractive. The church is ugly, shot through with sin, wrinkles, splotches — but he loves the church, and he’s seeking to make her beautiful. He means to have a splendid bride. What, then, does Paul mean by hating one’s own flesh?

Looking for Relief

I think he would say something like this: The sense in which nobody hates his own flesh is that everybody treats his flesh in a way that he or she thinks will bring about greater happiness and less misery.

Listen carefully. I spoke to a young woman who now and then would intentionally cut herself. (That may be what we’re dealing with here in this woman who writes in.) She intentionally cut herself badly enough to go to the hospital. And I asked her one time, “Why?” And in a moment of candor, she said, “Nobody loves me. Nobody hugs me. Nobody touches me in any caring way. But when I go to the emergency room, they care for me. They touch me. It feels good. It’s some relief.”

And if we ask, “Why did Judas kill himself?” wouldn’t the answer be — wouldn’t he say — “I can’t stand the pain of living with what I have done”? In other words, he’s seeking relief. He’s seeking the lesser misery or what measure of happiness can be had by a traitor (which isn’t much).

Now, the implication of all that for marriage is not that you can hurt your wife if you’re just trying to minimize your pain. That’s just wicked to conclude that. The application is this: Your wife is part of yourself. You always want to find relief from your pain and to increase your happiness in some way. And there are sick ways to seek it, but don’t do that. Turn to Jesus and learn from him how to bring about the greatest happiness for yourself and thus for your wife.