Audio Transcript
We will offend others. We will. We won’t mean to, but we will — we’ll even offend the people we most love. It’s only a matter of time. And often, we will offend others without knowing we’ve offended them, only to find out later when they tell us, and it comes as a complete surprise. Now, you don’t want to walk away and lose this relationship. But you also don’t want to be a fraud and offer them a fake apology that you don’t think is needed. Today on Ask Pastor John: when you’re not sorry.
The question is from Grace: “Pastor John, I have been listening to APJ for nearly five years and am so blessed by your ministry. Thank you! My question for you is whether or not I should apologize for something I’m not actually sorry for. I recently offended a friend with a joke I made to her. I can tell she now holds a grudge against me. I’ve thought about apologizing, but the fact that I don’t sincerely regret the joke I told is holding me back. In my opinion, she misinterpreted my intentions. I once heard someone say you shouldn’t apologize if you don’t think you did anything wrong, and I tend to agree because such an apology would feel like a lie. At the same time, I am willing to apologize because I don’t want to risk our relationship over something so silly. What is the biblical route here? Can a Christian apologize even if they don’t really ‘mean it’?”
So, what is the biblical route in a relationship where a person thinks you should apologize for something you said or did that you don’t think you should apologize for? Or to put it another way, what do you do when a person says they are offended or hurt, wounded by something you said, and your assessment is that they shouldn’t have been offended — they shouldn’t have been hurt? In other words, they think the blame lies with you and your insensitivity and your harshness, and you think the blame lies with them and their excessive sensitivities. So, what do you do?
Have We Done Wrong?
Well, let’s get one principle really clear from Jesus in Matthew 5:23–24:
If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Clearly, if we have wronged someone by doing or saying something so that they have a — mark these words — truly legitimate claim that we did wrong, our whole disposition should be to humble ourselves, admit that we’ve done wrong, ask for forgiveness, and be reconciled quick. That’s hard. It’s beautiful. It’s necessary in real life if relationships are going to survive and thrive.
But it raises this question: Did Jesus mean that anytime someone has something against us, we’ve done wrong and should apologize? No, that’s not the case. It doesn’t mean that. And we know that from other parts of the Gospels. Listen to Jesus when he is accused of insulting — offending — lawyers. This is Luke 11:44–46:
“Woe to you [Pharisees]! For you are like unmarked graves, and people walk over them without knowing it.” One of the lawyers answered him, “Teacher, in saying these things you insult us also.” And he said, “Woe to you lawyers also! For you load people with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.”
In other words, the fact that you are insulted, Mr. Lawyer, by what I’m saying doesn’t mean that I’m doing you any wrong. I’m not. You shouldn’t get your back up. You should repent. My point is not mainly to insult; I’m calling you to repentance.
We know from the life of Jesus and the life of Paul and the life of Peter that some people will always be offended by some things that Christians say, no matter how winsomely we may try to say them. And when that happens, the Bible does not portray the Christian as having done wrong or needing to apologize.
Emotional Manipulation
But now, here we have to be careful. I’ve heard people argue like I’m arguing right now about how wrong it is for offended or wounded people to use their woundedness or offense to blame another person for doing wrong when they haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve even seen this happen decades ago. It’s not new. Forty years ago — I remember writing it in my journal — I called this emotional manipulation when I saw it in marriage counseling: using your own woundedness to get the other person to do what you want them to do.
More recently, Joe Rigney called this “the sin of empathy,” which of course is a very provocative term — dangerous. But what he meant was if somebody can manipulate you by their woundedness or offense into feeling an empathy that you should not feel so that you apologize for something you shouldn’t apologize for, that’s wrong. It’s a sin. Empathy is good. Maybe Joe didn’t emphasize this enough; you can judge. He knows this. Empathy is good — very good. You can’t obey the Golden Rule without empathy. But it’s not good when someone manipulates your empathy into an apology you don’t owe. That’s the issue.
“It’s not good when someone manipulates your empathy into an apology you don’t owe.”
But the reason I said we should be careful here is because if you get on a roll with this way of thinking — I’ve seen this happen really with myself first — you can start to have a spirit which is just the opposite of the spirit of Christ. You can fail to have a spirit that really wants reconciliation and doesn’t relish pointing out other people’s sinful manipulation of your emotions. Sometimes there’s a kind of triumphal sense of “I figured this out. I figured out the emotionally manipulative power of these dynamics that are at work in getting people to do what you want them to do by your own woundedness. I figured this out.” And you boast in it, and you’re more proud of that than you are in any efforts at reconciliation. That’s not a good result, and it’s very dangerous.
- Jesus said, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:27–28).
- Paul said, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them” (Romans 12:14).
- He said, “When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat” (1 Corinthians 4:12–13).
- Peter said, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless” (1 Peter 3:9).
That’s the spirit of the New Testament. In other words, our whole disposition is not toward putting people in their place by pointing out their manipulative ways and gloating in our triumphs. If you do that, you’ve succeeded at something small and failed at something big.
Seek Humble Reconciliation
So, what should our friend do? What should Grace do? I think she should at least try, in a very humble and conciliatory demeanor, perhaps over lunch with her offended friend, to describe the relational situation as fairly as she can and see if there’s a way forward in the relationship.
For example, she might say,
I know you think that I did wrong in the joke that I told or the way I told it and that it offended you. If I felt that way, I would be eager, so eager, to apologize because I value our relationship. But for the life of me — and please don’t be even more offended at this — I don’t think my joke should have offended you. I don’t think you should have taken it that way. I didn’t mean it that way. You think I’ve got a defect in not being able to see how offensive my joke was. I understand that. And I think you’re making a mistake in being so offended when you shouldn’t be. And I don’t think this difference is more important than our relationship.
Maybe in time, my eyes will be opened, and I’ll see things your way, or maybe someday you might see it my way. What do you think? Can we just accept those differences of how we assess the situation and move forward?
Now at that point, where you go depends on what she says. I mean, if she regards it as important enough that she says, “No, I can’t — I won’t,” then you’re stuck, and you just have to be patient, wait, and pray.
But the main point is no, you don’t apologize if you don’t believe you’ve done wrong. That’s manipulative, just like what we’ve been talking about. But you do make every effort to humble yourself and seek reconciliation.
