When I was a little girl, I never associated being alone with being rejected. Time on my own afforded me the opportunity to disappear inside my imagination without interruption. I’m not so different now than I was then. I still love finding time away from the world.
However, if I’m not careful, my joy of aloneness gets sabotaged by the painful thought that maybe I am alone because I am not wanted, not chosen, no one’s favorite.
Why Does It Hurt?
Rejection hurts — and in singleness there is plenty of it to go around. Whether it’s the explicit rejection some men face when they ask a woman on a date, or the implicit rejection of wondering why no man is asking you on a date, the single will have to face the fear that they are not wanted.
The world may tell you the solution to this pain is to speak worth over yourself so loudly that you drown out the whisper of rejection. But it doesn’t work. Because we were created to have worth spoken into us by Someone outside of ourselves. What a great gift that needy design is for continually driving us to God. And what a terrifying distortion it is when we let it drive us to mere mortals. There is no person on earth that should have the power to speak into us value or worth in such a way that it secures our identity.
The church may tell you the solution to this pain is a simplistic notion of Jesus; that if you embrace the truth that he wants you, you will be able to overcome the pain of rejection in singleness. Sounds good to me, but there is an agonizing question I find bubbling up in my soul when I consider this: If Jesus is supposed to satisfy all my hunger to be loved and wanted, why doesn’t he?
The Sabotage of Acceptance
We will never find Jesus’s approval truly satisfying until we stop seeking our approval from others. In the book of John, Jesus asks this question:
How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? (John 5:44)
When we treat people as if they have the power to determine our value, we attribute to them a power that belongs to God alone. As long as they hold power over our worth, we will never feel safe and satisfied in God’s acceptance. It’s like wondering why the finest steak in town isn’t satisfying us when you keep shoving McDonald’s fries down our throat before you eat.
Jesus says that if affirmation from people can add to your sense of self and deep security, it will rob you of the ability to experience deep belief in him. If we want to know why we aren’t satisfied in Jesus, here’s his answer: You receive affirmation from creatures and don’t seek it from the only Creator.
That’s why I feel no hesitation in claiming that the pain of rejection we face in singleness is one of God’s sweetest gifts. It provides a head start on being satisfied in God.
Don’t Waste Your Rejection
Part of the reason rejection hurts so much is because it’s tearing away from us the approval of men. If we can fight the urge to comfort ourselves by scrambling for more human affirmation, we can use that hurt as an opportunity to drive us to seek our affirmation from God.
“The pain of rejection we face in singleness is one of God’s sweetest gifts.”
You will waste the rejection of singleness if you let the pain drive you to seek affirmation of worth from people instead of God. God has designed this beautiful gift of singleness to highlight your need to be chosen and to underline the inadequacy of people to fill that need. Don’t be ashamed by your hunger to be wanted and chosen. Don’t try to cover or conceal or fill it with positive thinking or encouragement from mortal men. Let it drive you to cling to the God who has chosen you at great cost.
Let no one except God have the power to determine your worth. Let no covenant, other than the New Covenant with Christ, satisfy your need to be chosen.
If you are no mortal man’s favorite, you are in good company. Besides me, you’re also in the company of the one who was “despised and rejected by men.” Don’t waste the opportunity to be comforted by the great high priest who can sympathize with your weakness because he has experienced the full depths of rejection.
As you find yourself secure in Christ, you will stand more fully on the great promise that you will never be forsaken, never be rejected by God. Every hour of every day, for all eternity, you are wanted, chosen, picked. And you know why? Because Jesus was willing to face rejection so that you could be secure. He faced our nightmare so we could live in the dream: unconditional love from our sufficient Savior.
Overflowing in Love
The more you seek and experience the glory that comes from the only God, the more of an asset you will be to the hurting and broken around you in the church and the city. You will go into this world full, not empty — satisfied, not starving. Instead of looking around and constantly perceiving the world through the lens of rejection, you will be so safe and secure you will be free to look around and pursue the rejected.
“A sovereign and loving God is stewarding your singleness to give you the greatest possible good: himself.”
In Christ, we are free to receive the aloneness of singleness as a gift, knowing that it is not ultimately rooted in rejection. That fear and insecurity is drowned out by his great and precious promises.
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:31–32)
Settle it in your mind: You are not alone because you are unwanted, unloved, or rejected. Your life is being written with kind and perfect intentions by a sovereign and loving God who is stewarding all things to give you the greatest possible good: himself.