Submission Holds Heaven’s Attention
Wives, be subject to your own husbands. (1 Peter 3:1)
When you imagine a submissive wife, what kind of woman comes to mind? Many of our neighbors, and even some Christians, would naturally picture a timid, compliant, drab woman, one who shuffles through life in the background, her voice unheard and her work unseen. Submissive, to them, is a synonym for weak, passive, unthinking, repressed. The picture is hardly compelling.
When we come to Scripture, however, how does the submissive wife appear? At a superficial glance, she may seem to resemble the dull portrait above. The apostle Peter, for example, refers to her “respectful and pure conduct” and her “gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:2, 4). The submissive wife does not match the feminist vision of an assertive woman.
But look closer, and this wife begins to break the world’s categories. The submissive Christian wife, Peter says, is not only meek but mighty, not only quiet but courageous, not only faithful but free, not only simple but resplendent. Though disregarded by the world, she holds the attention of heaven.
“Wives, be subject to your husbands” is not an embarrassing command. It’s not an unfortunate lot. It’s not a word to say with a whisper. A Christian wife’s submission is imperishably beautiful, more precious than jewels (1 Peter 3:4).
Meek but Mighty
What does Peter mean when he calls wives to “be subject”? Does he want women to deny their strengths, bury their talents, and adopt the posture of a servile housemaid? Far from it.
John Piper and Wayne Grudem describe a wife’s submission as her “divine calling to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and to help carry it through according to her gifts” (50 Crucial Questions About Manhood and Womanhood, 22). Submission calls for the active, thoughtful involvement of the whole woman: In her heart she honors, with her words she affirms, and by her deeds she supports her husband’s leadership as far as she is able.
We find each of these qualities in 1 Peter 3:1–6. The submissive wife, Peter says, relates to her husband with “respectful and pure conduct” (verse 2), with the word pure implying that her honor is heart-deep. She also imitates Sarah in speaking words that affirm her husband — not necessarily by “calling him lord” (verse 6), which would sound strange in our day, but by expressing a similarly respectful spirit in her speech. And in this couple’s day-in, day-out life together, she loves to leverage her specific abilities to support his leadership (verse 6).
Such a woman has “a gentle . . . spirit” (verse 4), a meek spirit. Unlike some women, she does not push her way past her husband and take charge. Nor does she quietly critique and resist him. Helper is not a harsh but a happy word for her (Genesis 2:18). She counts it an honor to partner with her husband and bring beauty into being in ways that only she can. Let the Jezebels of the age elbow their way into the world’s spotlight; she will fear her God and help her husband.
But note well: In Peter’s mind, a submissive wife’s meekness is far from weakness. “Be subject to your own husbands,” he writes, “so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives” (1 Peter 3:1). A meek wife who loves Christ is a force, capable of winning the soul of an unbelieving man. His heart may be as hard as Jericho’s walls, but her life is a steady march, and her meekness holds a trumpet.
Meekness is not the opposite of strength; it’s the opposite of conceit, self-assertion, and self-dependence. Neither is meekness mindless; it’s the choice portion of those who know and treasure God’s promises. So, when Peter calls wives to “be subject,” he does not expect them to have no influence on their home or husband. Instead, he clarifies how a woman influences her home and husband: by prayer, not passive aggression; by respectful words, not resentful jabs; by a beautiful life, not a belligerent will. And if a submissive wife can influence even an unbelieving man so mightily, then how much more a husband who has the Spirit of God!
Quiet but Courageous
When Peter tells wives to adorn their souls with meekness, he also calls them to embrace quietness: “Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4). What does a “quiet spirit” sound like, feel like?
We might naturally equate a quiet spirit with a quiet tongue — and the two are indeed related. For example, Peter speaks of a wife winning her husband “without a word” (1 Peter 3:1). Her conduct alone is a conqueror. But Peter’s reference to a woman’s “spirit” makes quietness mainly an internal quality, a matter of the heart more than the mouth.
“A meek wife who loves Christ is a force, capable of winning the soul of an unbelieving man.”
David, Solomon, and Isaiah describe quietness as a posture of calm contentment and patient trust in the God who works for his people (Psalm 131:2; Ecclesiastes 4:6; Isaiah 30:15). The apostle Paul also commends quietness as a way to show God-honoring peace and good order in the eyes of an unbelieving world (1 Timothy 2:1–2; 1 Thessalonians 4:11–12). A quiet spirit is a composed spirit, a believing spirit, a spirit that hopes in God and rests securely in his care (1 Peter 3:5).
A quiet spirit does not keep a wife from speaking. Like the Proverbs 31 woman, she knows how to open “her mouth with wisdom” (Proverbs 31:26). Or like a good friend in the passenger’s seat, she knows how to alert her husband to danger or offer thoughts on the best route. (And a good husband will welcome, not despise, such counsel.) But she also knows how to trust God and encourage her husband to lead, even into the risky unknown.
Such quietness takes real courage. I imagine Sarah listening to Abraham in Haran as he told her, “I believe God is calling us to Canaan.” “To Canaan?” she asks. “Why Canaan? Why now?” He answers; she listens and speaks some more. They pray. She imagines all the hardships they might meet along the way. But when she considers God’s promise to bless them (Genesis 12:2–3), she “[does] not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:6). She hopes in her God. Then she fearlessly follows her husband.
Sometimes, to be sure, a man wants to lead in a direction that seems not just risky but reckless, or not just uncertain but unrighteous. In such cases, a wife may need to respectfully yet courageously confront her husband — and even involve pastors or other godly men if the situation is dire. But in most cases, after patient conversation and prayer, a wife of quiet courage will walk into new family rhythms, new ministry ventures, and new unknowns without fear, her heart held fast by God.
Faithful but Free
Meek but mighty, quiet but courageous, the wife of 1 Peter 3 is also faithful. Her husband may “not obey the word” (1 Peter 3:1). Or he may obey the word but still sometimes act like a fool. Either way, she stays faithful to him in heart and word and deed. She remains steady, ever “respectful and pure” (verse 2).
Where does faithfulness like that come from? The word Peter uses for respectful gives us a clue. The same word appears in verb form a few verses earlier when he writes, “Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor” (1 Peter 2:17). So, Peter refers to a wife’s fear of God and her respect for her husband using different forms of the same word.
What does that link suggest? It suggests, first, that a wife’s respect for her husband flows from her reverence for God. Just as a husband’s love for his wife rests not on her loveliness but on Christ (Ephesians 5:25), so a wife’s respect for her husband rests not on his respectability but on Christ. A godly wife has already submitted her whole self to the Lord Jesus. Therefore, she submits to her husband “for the Lord’s sake” (1 Peter 2:13).
Second, because a wife’s respect is rooted in her fear of God, her loyalty to her husband has limits. She submits to him, but she belongs first and last and always to Christ (1 Peter 2:16). Therefore, she is free to not follow her husband if he asks her to disobey Jesus.
In fact, the early-church wife Peter envisions has already exercised that very freedom. When the gospel came to this couple, he refused to believe; she did not. She heard Christ call her name through the gospel message, and his call came with an authority infinitely higher than her husband’s. So, with all due respect to the man God gave her, she diverged from his unbelief.
Peter calls wives to offer their husbands “unconditional respect,” as Kevin DeYoung puts it. But unconditional respect does not mean unconditional allegiance or “unconditionally enduring mistreatment” (Men and Women in the Church, 67). Her fear of God frees her to respect her husband always yet also to refuse to follow anywhere Christ forbids her to go.
Simple but Resplendent
Finally, Peter addresses the appearance of the submissive wife: “Do not let your adorning be external — the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear” (1 Peter 3:3). Peter’s command does not prohibit any and all attention to the way a woman looks; some of the most submissive women in Scripture were “beautiful in appearance” (Genesis 12:11; 1 Samuel 25:3). But Peter does encourage a godly simplicity that does not find its worth in outward beauty.
More than that, he encourages the single-minded pursuit of a far deeper splendor: “Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4). If a woman would labor over her clothing, let it be the clothing of godliness. If she would study herself in the mirror, let it be the mirror of Scripture.
When Peter speaks of a woman’s “imperishable beauty,” he uses a word that refers elsewhere to our heavenly inheritance and the gospel by which we were saved (1 Peter 1:4, 23). “All flesh is like grass,” Peter writes (quoting Isaiah). “The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever” (1 Peter 1:24–25). So too with outward beauty: Let summer turn to fall, let youth give way to age, and a woman will wrinkle and gray. But “the hidden person of the heart” remains forever (1 Peter 3:4).
A woman’s “gentle and quiet spirit” holds something of heaven. It takes its beauty from eternity and heralds the kingdom to come. The world can’t see it, and even some Christians strain to catch a glimpse. But one day, when the hidden things are revealed, she will shine resplendent. Her worth “in God’s sight” will appear plainly to all (1 Peter 3:4).
Beautiful, Not Embarrassing
When our eyes rest on the surface, when we see only a wife’s meekness, quietness, faithfulness, and simplicity, we may feel embarrassed about submission. But when we see the might, courage, freedom, and resplendence that live and thrive within her, then embarrassment dies before beauty.
