In Praise of Godly Mothers-in-Law

My mother-in-law is one of my best friends. When I say so, most mouths pop open like a kernel on a piping hot pan. Before courtesy can get a word in, shock blurts out, “How did that happen?”

Here’s how it didn’t happen: overnight. Freshly poured concrete needs four weeks to reach full strength. Where a recent marriage is concerned, it can take years for a new home to form a sturdy relationship with an old one. My mother-in-law and I are not exempt from the typical tearful struggles. Am I really a part of the family? How close is too close? How many times should we see each other per week, month, or year? But longer lasting than any conflict has been my mother-in-law’s commitment to bless our marriage instead of burdening it.

That’s largely why, today, she is one of my best friends. In publicly praising her, I hope to encourage both daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. May wives learn to look harder for the lovely in their husbands’ moms, and may those moms strive, by grace through faith, to be markedly, increasingly lovely over the years — just like my mother-in-law.

So, for all the dropped jaws out there, here’s how it happened.

A Mother-in-Law’s Love

When I read 1 Corinthians 13, the apostle Paul’s masterpiece on love, I sometimes find myself thinking, That’s it. That’s what makes my mother-in-law so praiseworthy. Verses 4–6 strike me the most:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Though in-laws do well to ponder each phrase, we’ll focus on just three of love’s markers: “patient and kind,” “does not envy or boast,” and “does not insist on its own way.” With how much daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law can struggle to get along (let alone enjoy each other), consider how much Christians might witness to the watching world when biblical love — not rom-coms — best depicts their relationship with in-laws.

Patient and Kind

By God’s design, new wives are younger than their new moms. Being younger, new wives (usually) have a lot of maturing to do. As they mature, new wives will mess up. They will cry in the bathroom at Thanksgiving and send unthoughtful texts; they will question their husbands’ allegiance and ignore making eye contact with him. Whatever way God is growing new wives, there are few things they need more from their mothers-in-law than patience and kindness.

“Longer lasting than any conflict has been my mother-in-law’s commitment to bless our marriage.”

Certainly, the Spirit is also sanctifying saved mothers-in-law (and sometimes even more so). But in our relationship, my mother-in-law has acted her age: older and wiser. She knows I need time to see, to understand, to flourish, and so she gives me time. All the while, she treats me as friend and not foe, even when we clash. She has “not [grown] weary of doing good” to me (Galatians 6:9).

Are you a weary in-law? Let patience and kindness lift you up.

Does Not Envy or Boast

If a mother-in-law’s love “is patient and kind,” there are things her love does not do. Specifically, her love “does not envy or boast” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Does a mother-in-law sincerely love her daughter-in-law? Then she will not envy her, and she will not boast of her own merits as wife or mother — whether in her mind or in the family room.

I know little about the ins and outs of how my mother-in-law raised my husband and his three sisters. I don’t know how many unmedicated births she had, or whether the kids were potty trained by two, or if she cleaned morning, noon, and night. I don’t know because she doesn’t brag, however subtly. She never holds up her choices as if they belong in a home magazine while mine need a dry cleaner and a life coach.

Beneath my mother-in-law’s lack of boasting is a lack of envy. She sees me not as her competitor in all things marriage and motherhood. She sees me as her son’s wife, the woman to whom he now owes first allegiance. She sees me as her “adopted” daughter, a young woman with fears and needs and dreams, just like all her kids. Ultimately, she sees me as “one for whom Christ died” (Romans 14:15) — as a sister she’ll have forever, countless ages after marriages and titles like “mother-in-law” and “daughter-in-law” fade away.

Would you like to love your in-laws? Act like love does, and do not envy or boast.

Does Not Insist on Its Own Way

My mother-in-law gave a speech at our wedding. Upon addressing my husband, she turned to me. Eyes locked on mine, she promised, in essence, to let him go. He was my responsibility, not hers. She would not pry; she would not give unwanted advice. As she spoke, I watched a mother of over twenty years insist that our new family, at just a few hours old, should be my husband’s and my priority — and she rejoiced over the fact.

She has kept her promise.

What a gift, when a mother-in-law’s love “does not insist on its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5). As old families expand, forming new ones, opportunities abound to selfishly “insist” — to claim, to demand, to squash. From traditions to vacations, church attendance to nap schedules, a mother has decades of “her own ways” under her belt. In the blink of a wedding ring, hundreds of “other ways” enter the scene, as husband and wife set out to hold fast to one another.

In return, will a mother hold fast to her ways? Or will she strive, as far as she is able, to look not only to her own interests, but also — even mostly — to the interests of her son and his new wife (Philippians 2:4)?

To “not insist” is a two-way street. Only think of how lovely in-law relationships would look, were mothers and daughters to carry Paul’s words around in their heads, hearts, and homes.

Love Never Ends

As a mom to young sons, I’ve yet to learn the difficulties of being a mother-in-law. But thanks to my husband’s own mom, I do know what it looks like to navigate its complexities with grace. While I enjoy people’s popcorn-kernel reactions, there’s another, more important reason for telling others about the depth of our friendship: Our God looks great when the typical tearful struggles between in-laws are not so large that love cannot end them. For “love never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:8).